Serendipitously Socratic Serenity and other S's
I have absolutely no idea where the hell I'm going in my life right now. I am trying really hard to find the socratic serenity to let go of this delusion I have that I'm in control of my life and embrace that all I think I know is completely subject to change at any time.
I think I want to end up in Portland in the next year. Maybe Seattle. At the very least I know I don't want to live in the desert anymore. I have this idea of leaving in the spring, but the reality is I don't know when I am leaving, or how I am going to afford it. I don't know if I'm going to be going straight to my destination or if I'll travel for a bit beforehand.
Part of me wants to bust my ass and save up through the busy season and move as soon as I have a cushion that can float me long enough to get a serving job and start building my music base from scratch in a new place.
Part of me wants to stay here and wait for my album release. This being for the album that hasn't happened yet. The album that I'm not sure is going to happen the way I thought it was going to happen. So maybe I'll instead stay for my EP release, which is much more attainable and actually in the works right now. But I still have to come up with funds for copyright and duplication and design for that, and I have no idea what that whole process or timeline is looking like yet.
Maybe I should just say screw it and leave as soon as I have my car. Work for a few weeks and save up a couple hundred bucks just for cushion. Quit my job, pack up the belongings that matter and just go. Couch surfing and camping and busking and performing. See the country and meet new people and share my music. Car payment, insurance, phone plan with lots of data, food, and a gym membership for hygienic purposes. Lodging would be the tricky part, but I've got people all over the country that I've been meaning to visit, and when I don't have a couch I can always go car camping. Between paid shows and busking in busier cities I could totally deal with that cost of living, and I wouldn't be tied down to a lease or anything that would keep me stuck in one place.
Clearly I've been putting a lot of thought into that last one. As an anxiety based person I've never been much for unnecessary adventure, but as I'm growing into myself more and more I feel the need to see what I'm really capable of. To be on my own with no one to catch me, to make choices and feel the consequences of my actions and learn from them. To be free, with all of its perks and consequences. Its a romantic and exciting idea. But also reckless and naive. And at the end of it all I'd probably end up broke and back in Phoenix trying to save up enough money to escape the desert. I'm sure I'd be richer as a person for the experience, but I'd be back at square one again and I'm guessing the option of staying with family would be off of the table the second time around. That means a lease, and I'm not sure I'm willing to sign on for being here that long.
All I know is that I know nothing. Well okay, technically not nothing.
The one thing I do know for certain right now is that wherever it is that I end up, I want to be performing. So I'm sticking with that. I'm going to keep writing and singing and riding this incredibly strange ride that is living life as a creative. I'll continue to try to be my unadulterated and unfiltered self and remain open to the possibilities that the universe or whatever you want to call it throws my way. I'll ask for guidance from the powers that be and do my best to listen, even if I'm much better at the asking part than the listening sometimes.
Thanks for reading
Song of the evening: